Human Givens Psychological Services

Parenting and family stresses

The human givens approach is based on a very simple idea, that emotional health and harmonious relationships depend on people meeting their basic emotional needs.

This is, however, not as simple as it may seem when you consider that each person has a number of different needs and the way we meet one of them may hinder us meeting others.

For example, when we withdraw from other people to meet our need for privacy we may be neglecting our need for community. When we strive to achieve status or get attention we may inadvertently alienate people whom we depend on for our sense of community or intimacy.

Things become even more complex when we live in families where each person is striving to meet their needs at the same time. Parents who find purpose in caring for their children can become over-involved and hinder their children's need for autonomy and control. Children who need a lot of attention can wear down their parents' patience and leave them feeling incompetent and unfulfilled.

Achieving a situation where each person is meeting his or her needs consistently without hindering other family members can be a real challenge.

Solving problems

There is a popular saying among psychologists that a child with behavioural difficulties is not trying to be a problem, he is trying to solve a problem. The problem that children and teenagers are trying to solve usually involves getting one or more of their basic needs met.

For example, a child who is being bullied at school, or who is receiving too much criticism or rigid discipline may try to meet their need for autonomy and control by becoming aggressive towards younger children, or by becoming sulky and emotionally demanding.

Recognising this can help parents see the difficult behaviour in a more positive light, and find suitable ways of managing it.

It is also true that when parents are tired, stressed and overburdened, i.e. not fully meeting their own emotional needs, they tend to be critical, irritable and impatient with their children.

These situations can set up a vicious circle where the behaviour of parents towards their children and vice versa prevents either from being properly fulfilled, and fuels a cycle of poor parenting and bad behaviour.

Follow your instincts

Human givens therapists have found that most parents don't need a great deal of advice about parenting techniques and behaviour management skills - much of what we do in successful family life is quite instinctive.

The insight that the human givens approach brings us can help parents see family problems in a new light and can inspire us to make the small changes that make a big difference.

Breathe normally

Parents who are finding family life a struggle may need to heed the advice we are given when boarding an aeroplane. If oxygen masks are needed, we are told, parents with young children should fix their own mask before trying to assist others.

Likewise, in the hurly burly of family life, parents may need to ensure their own needs are being adequately met before they are able to attend to those of their children.

Something to try

If things are hectic or difficult between you and your children, the following exercise may help you work out what the trouble is and how to improve matters.

On a sheet of paper, write down a list down the right hand side of the emotional needs your child is trying to meet. Down the left hand side write down the needs you are trying to meet. The needs for both child and parent are exactly the same, but you are all probably meeting them in very different ways.

The list of needs is as follows:

• Security
• Attention
• Control / independence
• Sense of community
• Privacy
• Intimate friendship
• Status
• Achievement / competence
• Meaning and purpose

Take a green pen or pencil, and a red one.

Draw a line in green between your child's needs and your own that are in harmony with each other (for example, if you have a teenager who is spending a lot of time away from the house, her need for autonomy may be in harmony with your need for privacy).

Then draw a red line between your child's needs and your own that are in conflict with each other. (For example, if you have a very young, demanding child, his need for attention may be in conflict with your need for intimate relationships as he demands so much of your time).

This exercise can help parents clarify why things are difficult, and decide on simple steps to improve matters.

Dealing with feelings

Another very important insight of the human givens approach is that strong emotions cloud clear thinking and make our thinking and behaviour very extreme.

Dealing with fractious, attention seeking or confrontational children can be extremely stressful. (As can dealing with irritable and critical parents!)

Many parents find that taking time to relax and consider their situation calmly helps them see solutions that they hadn't tried before. For some people, spending time with another person who can listen and help you put things into perspective is a great help.

Getting help

Human givens counsellors do not judge or impose their own ideas and solutions. They help parents rediscover their strengths and skills, and find their own ways forward.

Counsellors can help parents, singly or together, find practical solutions to family stresses. They are also able to work with the whole family to help with the process of communication and making agreements about changes that can be made.

When we intelligently apply the scientific principles of the human givens approach progress with family stresses can be rapid and lasting.

Human Givens Psychological Services run Parent Pods courses for parents who would like to understand more about how to get their own and their children's needs met alongside other parents. Please contact us for details.